Job Creators vs. Job Destroyers!

(+  will denotes a footnote but I don't want to make you work too hard, so all footnotes will follow the + immediately - you can thank me later)

Oh, how I feel for those poor Job Creators, forced to close plants and layoff workers - and all because of the despicable Job Destroyers. 

I only wish I could do something for them, like destroy the Destroyers? No, that wouldn't work because the Job Creators say the Job Destroyers is actually the Big Bad Government (henceforth referred to as BBG) - you know, the one that took over about three years ago? Yeah, that one. The Job Creators say it's the regulations and government agencies (can we spell E.P.A.???) strangling them and that it would only get worse if, for instance, the BBG were to end the Bush Tax Cuts for the very wealthy.

But I know a secret, a deep, dark one. I know there's another group in partnership with the BBG and they're - hold onto your seats - the American Worker (henceforth referred to as the AW).

Did I hear a thud? Thought so. But sorry, you read that correctly: the Job Destroyers are also the weak, whiny… and pampered +AW.

+They were once called *thinks hard*… oh, yes, the "Middle Class". Unfortunately, since there are so few jobs now, this "Middle Class" has all but disappeared.

So…the AW is also responsible for the Job Creators plight. Yeah, yeah, I hear your question ringing in my ears:

"How on Earth could the AW's also be part of the dreaded Job Destroyers?"

Hello? What part of  …weak, whiny and pampered…. didn't you understand?

Okay, I'll give you a break, maybe you had a hard day not collecting unemployment because it ran out and you still haven't found a job. But only this once. Apparently - and I say 'apparently' because there's no actual proof - the AW's turned lazy in the last twenty years - give or take ten - not to mention down right demanding, entitled and feeble. For God's sake, they can't even work a straight eight hour, without breaks, shift anymore!

*fondly remembers the "worked 12 hours straight!" days…*

The AW had the unmitigated gall to demand (as impossible as it may seem) employers provide something called a 'break' - and not just one, but like, every few hours - lasting ten to fifteen minutes - each!

*thud*

AW, frailty be thy name.

But there's more.

I can barely type this, it's so absolutely unreasonable.

*sucks it up*

Evidently, AW's also believed they were entitled to something called a 'lunch break' - an actual freaking time-out in order to eat - and God forbid they should eat at their desks or work stations - oh, no, they demanded a special place to eat (and dubbed it the 'lunch room', which was really quite clever for such lazy layabouts).

*looks horrified*

And if the above wasn't enough (it sure as hell should have been), the AW felt entitled (and where the Hell did all this 'entitlement' crap come from, anyway?) to a 'safe work place'.

*snorts*

Suddenly the work place became all about the silly need to have safe air to breathe; regulations and upgraded equipment to protect them from losing a measly arm or leg; ergonomic chairs (ergonomic??? *rolls eyes*); heating and air conditioning; non-smoking areas; medical and pension plans *starts sweating* - and so on and so on and so on...

Oh, and I can't forget the 'more money' part. At some point, those pussies felt entitled (there's that word again *pfft*) to a fair day's wage for a fair day's work and equal pay for equal work - no matter the skin color (to do otherwise became something called '+d-i-s-c-r-i-m-i-n-a-t-i-o-n' .

+Being unable to 'discriminate' based on color nearly caused the South to rise again!

They also decided that if the cost of living rose, their wages should rise accordingly.

Idiots.

But that's not all! The AW suddenly felt entitled to raises based on ability, loyalty, and longevity. Go figure. I mean, really? Just because they're still working for the same company for twenty years, they should get a raise?

Come on!

Of course, they didn't get all these unreasonable demands by themselves - or even by asking (they tried, mind you, but unreasonable is unreasonable, right? Right), no, they discovered that if they banded together (they even gave it a name - 'union' as in, "let's unite, we have strength in numbers!"), they had power.

Eventually, the AW joined forces with the BBG (in case I missed typing it earlier, Bad is because it's Big) after convincing the BBG that some workers were still being taken advantage of - unfortunately, this 'partnership' created a cascade effect that resulted in a flurry of laws and regulations (for instance: if a dumb worker cuts his hand off because the company didn't fix his machine, instead of being fired, like in the 'good old days', the worker would now receive something called "Worker's Compensation"). The AW was also given holidays and vacation days and sick days - all paid, and this made the AW +happy - finally.

+What ever you do, do not tell the American Worker that American companies pay for fewer holidays than any other nation…remember, loose lips sink ships - or whatever….

Now here's where our story really turns ugly. You see, all those benefits (ie: entitlements) began to wreak havoc upon the All Mighty Bottom Line (henceforth referred to as the AMBL) for the Job Creators (what, you thought Job Creators were in it just to create jobs? Silly fool).

*rolls eyes again - but more for dramatic effect than anything else*

 Now, when you wreak havoc on the AMBL, you mess with the Job Creators profits and that means you're messing with…

*looks around to make sure there are no AW spies while lowering voice*

…their bonuses. This is not good. This is bad. For Private or public companies, profits are the Golden Snitch of the business world (sorry, I couldn't resist the HP reference) and Rule #1 is: Never mess with a Job Creators AMBL. Ever.

Then, something magical happened. The Job Creators heard of wondrous countries, countries across the big sea (and some even on the same continent as America) where workers still knew their place, knew nothing about unionizing, and better yet, were starving and thus willing to work for pennies - literally. Oh, how joy spread throughout the land of Job Creators! Where once tax breaks (and State perks) were enough to remain in their own country; to continue manufacturing American products actually made in America, they could now sniff the promise of huge increases to their AMBL and bonuses in these other countries - so they slowly began to close plants and relocate them to the magical lands without unions or BBGs. God was good and blessed them with profits and bonuses beyond their wildest dreams.

The Good Old Days were new again, Hallelujah and Praise the Lord!

No more minimum wage (well, to be precise, the Job Creators found they could, indeed, pay only a minimum wage to these starving people); no more worries about safe work environments or safety goggles (CEO's really hate those, they know they look dumb in them when they're forced to appear as if they care by practicing MBWA. Look it up, you lazy ass); or insurance, or compensation for injuries. They could do anything they wanted to the workers, ask anything, fire anyone 'just because' (oh, man, how they'd missed that one!), refuse to hire someone 'just because', and thank you GOD, no more breaks, lunch rooms, overtime, time and a half, and no more having to circumvent regulations to avoid actually labeling a worker "full-fucking-time" so they wouldn't have to pay overtime or time-and-a-half!

Oh, Glory Days, you have come again!

Don't want women? Great. Want child labor? Okey dokey. No blacks? Cool. Don't like that worker's religion? No problem - just take a leaf from what the Donald calls his hair and say the two best words in the world for a Job Creator: "+You're fired!"

+Yes, it does seem odd that Job Creators love the idea of using those two words indiscriminately.

*scratches head in puzzlement*

So now the Job Creators are happy-happy.

But the AW, not so much. And the AW's are so stupid, they actually started listening to the Job Creators and started thinking that only the BBG was to blame for all their woes. Why? Because Government was BIG and that's BAD. Because the stupid BBG wanted to protect the wages, hours, health, pensions, and environment of the AW.

Like, hello? Since when is that the job of the BBG? Their job is to start wars, decorate the White House for Christmas, give speeches, sit in long meetings with really good sandwiches, and, every now and then, vote on something. Or not. Oh, and look really good in a tux.

Now, the States start worrying. See, the businesses brought them profits (both over the table and under, if you know what I mean and I think you do) and suddenly, those plants were gone. Oh, some companies left behind their 'corporate' offices, but that's all. In 2010, though, a miracle happened. All the AW's who now believed the BBG was totally to blame for their woes, listened to new gubernatorial candidates promise them jobs, blame the BBG for their lives - and then they voted these new candidates (who really love the color red, btw) into office.

These new governors had many new ideas on how to turn the BBG into the Big Good Government (they called it the Small Good Government, but that was just a ruse, and a clever one too) and how to make their States fit for the Job Creators again.

For one thing, they started with laws that would, eventually, destroy the unions. This would kill two birds with one stroke of the pen. First - the unions and the ability to bargain would be taken from the AW (btw, the AW were slow to catch on at first to this one, but when they did, whoa Nellie! Hell hath no fury like a thwarted AW!!!) and thus, businesses would feel comfortable about their AMBL and bonuses if they came back, see? And second, well, it turns out the union members really liked the BBG and had voted him…er…it into office back in '08 and by breaking the unions, the new governors figured they wouldn't be able to 'gather' and vote, let alone use union money and contribute to his…er…it's re-election campaign.

Then the new representatives in Washington, also newly voted into office in '10, and yes, very fond of the color red, started to work their magic by saying - over and over and over and over again, that the Bush Tax Cuts for the rich were good and actually created jobs! It didn't really matter that this wasn't true because even though the AW's were fooled at first by the whole union thing, they evidently didn't learn from their mistakes and started buying into something called "A Class War" which is code for the rich and means: "Let us keep our GOD DAMN money, you assholes, and by the way, we want MORE MORE MORE!"

Then folks started talking about tax reform and maybe how a flat tax for everyone would be more fair - no loopholes - just a nice, simple flat tax. This caused the new governors and the new guys in Congress to jump up and down because they knew one simple, fundamental fact that apparently, the AW's didn't. And what they knew was this (and for the purposes of 'this', we'll use a flat tax number of, say, ten percent):

Ten percent for a man making $500,000 a year is not the same as for a man making, say, $23,000 a year.

That's right. These new men (and maybe a couple of new women) understand the ten percent would not have the same impact for each man.

*goes to blackboard, picks up chalk*

Example:

Man A: Gross income=$500,000.00 and under the new flat tax, will pay (or have deducted): $50,000 and be left with a net income of $450,000. If he has it deducted monthly…

*does quick math and starts writing….*

Man A makes $41,667 a month - $4,667 tax deduction=monthly income of  $37,500. That's a MONTH, folks.

Man B: Gross income=$23,000 and under new flat tax, will pay (or have deducted): $2,300 and be left with a net income of $20,700. If he has it deducted monthly…

*does quick math again and starts writing….*

Man B makes $1,917 a month - $230.00 tax deduction=monthly income of $1,686. That's a MONTH, folks.

Man A might have to eat out one or two times a month less, but Man B just moved into the poverty level.

The impact is not the same.

All things are not equal or relative when it comes to income tax rates.

The difference between one man eating less at Morton's Steakhouse or buying a slightly cheaper wine is not the same as a man moved down to poverty level. That's a fact. And that's why those new guys (and they're older compatriots) are so happy about the idea. They know this. They know this.

Now you do too.

So how do we feel about the Job Creators now, eh?

Next time: "What is the job of the Federal Government?"

And coming up: "Religion and Government - good bedfellows or bad?"

Stay tuned!